Despite What You May Think, My NFL Career Was a Success by Joey Harrington
You have some great insights in this essay, and you are at your best when utilizing personal experience to tell a story. Unfortunately, your thesis is a very unpopular one, and I do not think you’ve added enough evidence to prove your case. If you would like to revisit this essay, I’d suggest abbreviating your introduction, which focuses on the Oregon Ducks and does not even mention the NFL for 13 paragraphs…. To create a stronger argument, you will have to get to the heart of your discussion sooner. This draft includes some worthwhile usage of direct quotation, but you should also try to include at least a few facts, like statistics or awards, from credible, peer-reviewed sources. Finally, in your conclusion, you state that your current goal is to “be present in the lives” of your wife and children, but this discussion ends abruptly. A full, paragraph-long discussion of the types of memories you plan to create would give the work a sense of closure and not the appearance that you were rushing to finish before the deadline.
Much like your career in 2002, this essay shows promise, and I am happy to discuss a 2nd draft with you.
Current Draft Grade: “D”